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Tuesday
Jun072011

No Wieners Left Behind: A Government in the Sunshine Plan for the Political Penile Problem

Congressman Anthony Weiner has finally admitted that yes, the photo sent on Twitter was his wiener and yes, he sent said wiener with his own hand and the power of social media and yes, although he holds a position of power he is the developmental equivalent of a 4-year-old running around after bathtime with a towel as a cape chanting "I'm Super Weenus look I'm Super Weenus look I'm Super Weeenus!"

I can't be the only who who sees a male politician on television and immediately thinks two things: soon I be hearing some Where's Waldo Wang story about his bad behavior and I hope he washed his hands.

Add Weinergate to Arnold Sperminator and John Edwards' indictment and to Dominque Strauss-Kahn' sexual assault trial and we have been overexposed to a hell of a lot of newspaper inches dedicated to the Unit inches that are supposed to be hidden by grey flannel trousers.

Oh my gawd, we need legislation on this. Call it:  Ding Dong DADT.

I guess political party operatives are forgetting to mention that Brooks-Brothers-or-Better power suits have two major functions. One is to show that you are in the club, and the other is to KEEP YOUR PECKER PRIVATE. That's what the zipper is for, fellows, that's what the damn zipper is for.

But if Governors and Congressional Members are going to persist in showing us their lesser courts, dominating our above-the-fold with their below-the-belt, symbolically reminding of us about how they are screwing the financial and ethical base of our country day in and day out--if they must persist in airing their fly in my decidedly designated no fly zone, then I submit the following 3 part plan for consideration:

Go ahead. Let it hang out. All of you men in power, go ahead, unzip your fly and flop it through the rabbit hole like it's a silk tie.  Walk around like that on Capital Hill, in state Offices of the Governors, in elected and appointed offices across the land. We might as well know all about it now as we are bound to hear about your schong's shenanigans later.

And then when all of the members are out bob-bob-bobbing along the halls of Congress, flacidly resting on the laps of pinstripe during roll call, perking up at the mention of their owner's name or when texts are sent to interns -- you know, as you do -- when all of those Minor Amendments are Government in the Sunshine, well then, this is what we are going to do.

First, we are going to yarn bomb them.

Yarn Bomb Pole

And then we are going to elect more and more women to office. Because I've scanned the news for similar reports of labial Tweets and dalliances that produced children after cheating on spouses with employees and whatnot perpetrated by women, AND I CAN'T FIND so much as one boob foisted upon a poor maid who was just trying to do her backbreakingly hard job.

Hmm. Go figure.

So that's the plan.

1. Let the men who want to let their dog out do so ahead of time, so we know what we're dealing with.

2. Bomb the wankers.

3. And then we Close the Leadership Gap, because chicks thinking with their heads is infinitely better than men thinking with their dicks.

Run that up your flagpole, Weiner, and send me a Tweet if I can count on your vote.

photo credit:Wen Rou via Flickr, some rights reserved

Reader Comments (13)

Yes. All of this.

But can we make the president participate, too? Just for my sake.

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMiss Britt

This post is wonderful.

I, too, find it noteworthy that only men seem to need to send photos of their private parts. Women, not at all. Why?

Thanks for the laugh. Made my day.

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterally bean

Word.

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJulia Roberts

You want to yarnbomb the President? We'll need special Secret Service clearance for that!

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDeb Rox

Amen.

I actually heard a reporter this morning say that Weiner should be given some credit for being so forthcoming, you know, now that he's come forth. Yes, it was a man.

Facepalm.

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAsh

Bomb the wankers!

I shall design a flag featuring that slogan. ROFL!

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMelisa

Deb- This is one of the most biting, witty and hilarious essays I have read in far too long. Bravo, sister!

June 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDana

yes.

June 8, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermagpie

GOL!! GOL!!

giggle out loud. TWICE.

June 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnn

Did you see any women on the Creep-o-Meter on last night's Maddow? I did not.

What does that tell you?

We women keep our penises in our pants.

Women think with their heads.

As you put it so clearly above.

Brava!

June 15, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAlexandra

Articles like these put the consumer in the drveir seat—very important.

July 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBryson

Servus. Echt ein schöner Beitrag. Ich bin bereits seit 8 Jahren in Wien und bin sehr angetan. Ich habe mittlerweile in vielen Städten wie München oder Graz gelebt. Aber nirgendwo ist es so schön wie in Wien.

September 7, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterIngetrud aus Wien

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